


epiphany

by chansllama



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Descendants of the Sun Fusion, M/M, Marriage of Convenience, Non-Linear Narrative, Not Actually Unrequited Love, War, not betaed because i am Fearless, this is just me projecting my love for kun through ten, vague allusions to war in an unspecified geographical setting because i was too lazy to research
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-21 23:33:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30029565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chansllama/pseuds/chansllama
Summary: Over the years, Kun had become synonymous with 'home' for Ten - the single glimpse of relief he was allowed in his cursed existence, to make some sense of the horrors he had seen.(a.k.a the dots!au where Ten and Kun are disgustingly in love with each other, but too dumb to realise it.)
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Qian Kun
Comments: 8
Kudos: 49





	epiphany

**Author's Note:**

> hello! a few things before you proceed ~
> 
> tw/ death and violence  
> -there's implied character death but it's pretty glossed over (i'm so sorry taeil)  
> -mentions of violence and guns and blood and all that war stuff  
> -the narrative is a bit non-linear, hopefully it'll make sense as you read it  
> -in case you haven't watched dots, 'medicube' refers to a mobile clinic
> 
> i wrote this because i re-watched dots and daniel and ten have the SAME vibes (is it just me?? probably lmao). it all just spiralled from there. 
> 
> disclaimer: this is a fictional piece of work vaguely inspired by the members of nct and based in the setting of descendants of the sun. nothing written here is an actual reflection of real-life personalities or characteristics. 
> 
> title from epiphany by taylor swift (there's a lot of allusions to her lyrics lol)
> 
> i hope you like reading this as much as i enjoyed writing it!

On most days, Ten had just twenty minutes to sleep. He had just twenty minutes to breathe; to dream of a lifetime where he could call Kun his own, a world where he would be deserving of Kun’s selfless love. 

In those twenty minutes, he always dreamed of a universe where he could make Kun his temple; his castle towering high above the clouds, where he could spend hours worshipping the ethereal man without the harsh reality of the war washing their blue sky with the darkest shades of gray. 

On most days, Ten had just twenty minutes to be selfish. 

He never wasted a single moment. 

*

It had been a long time since Ten had come home. 

Well, he didn’t quite know if he meant the well-loved hardware shop and the studio apartment above it, or the person who had been operating it in his absence, but either way, it had been a long time since Ten had the leisure to breathe comfortably at home. 

(He knew that he meant the person, but for the sake of his heart and the pains of severely unrequited love, he liked to pretend that it was the place he craved for, not the person. Ten never claimed to be sensible.)

It had been a long time since Ten had come home, which was the reason his heart jumped to his throat when he opened the door to a gun pointed at his face. 

(“You yelped!” Kun would tease later, but he didn’t. He _didn’t_.)

“Kun, what the hell? It’s just me!” he sighed when he realised who the man brandishing the gun was, the knot in his chest that had been there since he left loosening slightly at the sight of the doctor in front of him. 

“What if it had been someone dangerous, huh?” Kun questioned defiantly, removing his finger from the trigger while slightly lowering the gun. Ten breathed a sigh of relief at the fact that he was not prone to his balls being blown off anymore.

“The only dangerous person here is you, waving a gun around without knowing how to use it! Where did you even get it, Kun? Who would even willingly give _you_ a gun in this town?” Ten smiled as he spoke, removing his dusty (and bloody, but Ten didn’t want Kun to know that. He probably did anyway) coat and setting it carefully on the sofa, mindful of Kun’s freakish obsession with clean furniture. 

“The town’s changed since you left ten months ago, Ten,” Kun’s voice was bitter and edged with anger, and Ten knew he deserved it. 

He always did. 

“I’m sorry for leaving you alone,” he voiced quietly, hoping that his apology would be received, hoping that this wouldn’t be the last straw that would make Kun give up and walk out the door.

“No, you’re not,” Kun scoffed. “You’d do it again in a heartbeat. You always follow Yuta wherever he asks you to, without a care for me.”

Ten winced. There was truth in Kun’s words, but he was blissfully unaware of the fact that Ten cared a little too much about him, which was the reason Ten always tried to leave him behind, leave him safe, whenever Yuta required his help with another _situation_. 

“Kun, you know it’s safer for you here. I don’t want you to get hurt, Yuta’s method of resolving situations involves a bit more violence than you’re used to,” he sighed, bracing himself for the fight that Kun would put up. 

It was a well-rehearsed routine now - Ten leaving, Kun staying. Ten coming back, Kun fighting. Ten wished he could change it, but compromising Kun’s safety was too big a risk for his happiness. 

“I’m safer here? This town is filled with cartels and arms-dealers, people get killed every single day, the army has to mediate most fights, I spend more time in the MediCube at the army base than at home because so many people are either wounded or sick, and you think I’m _fucking_ safer here? Wake up, Ten! Just because you don’t want me to be a burden while you and Yuta are out there having the time of your lives doesn’t mean you get to leave me alone in a strange town for months! You shouldn’t have helped me cross the border if you were going to keep me prisoner anyway. I was better off in that fuckfest of a country than being forced to stay here, God!”

Ten’s heart dropped to his stomach as heavy as lead, the poison of Kun’s words spreading through his veins. 

“You think what Yuta and I do is fun?” he scoffed, his mind flashing to a wounded Yuta resting his entire weight on Ten’s sprained shoulder, blood soaking up his shirt as they walked out of a disagreement with a young drug lord, phantom pain his right hand sparking at the mere thought of it.

He gritted his teeth, the initial joy of being at home dissipating as quickly as it had formed. 

“Yuta and I do the dirty work that the goddamn useless government is too lazy to do, and you think that we’re having fun? We fucking risk our lives for people who don’t even know us, just so they can live in a peaceful town, and you think that we’re having the time of our lives? God, Kun, you’re fucking unreal,” he bit out, his chest heaving.

“Ten, you know I didn’t mean it that way,” Kun said, his demeanour softening slightly. “I’m a doctor, just like you, and I want to be able to help you both again. We did a great job for years before we crossed the border, but now you just up and leave whenever you want without even asking me! I want to _do_ something, I’m just fucking tired of being caged in small towns.”  
“You think the people here don’t think of you as their saving grace? You’re doing more than enough by helping the people in this town, Kun. And we’re not the same type of doctors, you know that,” Ten sighed, flopping down to the couch in frustration.

Kun bit his lip, offering no response to Ten’s words. Ten knew why - Kun always found it hard to accept that Ten, as a doctor, did not have any qualms about killing someone if they were evil. What Yuta and Ten did was not necessarily lawful, but it was necessary - someone had to take the hit and do the dirty work that was needed to ensure peace. 

(Kun also refused to acknowledge, for the most part, that the only reason he had been able to cross the border and be granted asylum was because Ten had married him at the airport. Ten was used to his dismissal of their union, but _fuck_ if it didn’t hurt as much as it did.) 

Kun, on the other hand, was someone who took his Hippocratic oath very seriously. He was someone who selflessly gave and gave, even when the world was cruel enough to take away his family as the price for being an impartial surgeon. 

Ten was excessively possessive of Kun’s giving nature, and he was willing to do _anything_ to keep it intact, even if it meant Kun hating him for the rest of their lives, or worse, walking out. Maybe he was making it worse by leaving Kun behind alone, but Kun’s integrity was the thing that Ten loved the most about him. He would preserve it, even if it made Kun spit harsh words at him every time he came home.

“Well, how is Taeil? Is he going to be staying here?” Kun asked after a while, breaking the tense silence that had descended upon them. 

Ten scrunched his eyes in pain, a lump forming in his throat.

“ _He-he’s in a better place now_ ,” Ten switched to Mandarin, his voice thick. He knew Kun would find it easier to speak through the shock in his native language, rather than in stilted Korean, which he had been forced to learn when Ten made him cross the border with him.

(He had gotten much better at it, Ten noticed, and it hurt that he hadn’t been there to see his progress, to teach him the correct way to pronounce new words, to just revel in the hurricane that Kun was when he was learning something new.)

“ _What do you mean?_ ” Kun looked up at him, his eyes wide, denial colouring his features a shade of blue that Ten never wanted his words to inflict.

“ _Oh,_ ” he breathed, a hand coming up to his mouth. 

Ten watched as Kun squeezed his eyes shut, clasping his hands together in prayer. Ten shut his eyes too, muttering the Mandarin words Kun had taught him, back when they had suffered their first casualty, hoping that they would be of comfort to Taeil, wherever he was. 

“ _I- Let me get you some soup_ ,” Kun muttered, walking towards the small kitchen. 

Ten heaved a breath, desperately wanting to comfort him, but he knew his words wouldn’t be enough. 

They never were for Kun. 

*

When Ten had first come across Kun, he had been all rounded edges and twinkling eyes washed with despair, his voice soft but laced with steel as he demanded who the strangers intruding his village to save him had to gain from their foolish bravery. 

Ten had always been fond of him, accommodating to his reserved personality during their travels rather quickly, considering his characteristic brazenness and the blunt way in which he usually spoke with anyone he encountered. They had come to a wordless agreement, working alarmingly in-sync as they stopped by villages on their way to the border to help the residents. 

_Those were the good days_ , Ten mused, when Kun would still flash him a soft smile in the throes of their fast-paced work, a silent reassurance, _I’m here_ , which always made tendrils of warmth take home in his chest, the fuzzy feeling carrying him on through the days of horror and pain they had to witness; not by choice, but by necessity. 

With all the years they had spent together on the frontline, lending a hand in cruel wars waged by bitter mortals that had nothing to do with them, Kun’s softness had slowly receded, replaced by sharp words, piercing eyes and words edged with anger. 

Ever since _that_ day, when Ten had impulsively told the airport officer to procure a marriage document on the spot, looked at Kun with his blazing eyes and told him ( _forced him_ , his brain countered, _you forced him here_ ) to sign the papers, he had witnessed the stars in Kun’s eyes slowly getting hidden by swirls of darkness, the doctor’s initial gratitude for him twisting into bitterness and muted rage.

Ten could do naught but stand by helplessly as he watched Kun stray further and further away from their easy, intrinsic relationship, caging his softness and endless, giving love behind bars so high that Ten couldn’t hope to climb them and cradle his warmth in his rough, blood-stained, calloused hands, at least not in this cursed lifetime. 

Kun’s incandescent glow; his brazen courage in the face of men who had slaughtered his entire village had captivated Ten from his first, cursory _‘Is he alive?’_ glance at the doctor crouched behind an almirah; and foolishly, he had been under the impression that Kun had felt the same way too, that he too had understood that their effortless camaraderie was a result of the golden thread Fate had spun to allow them to meet. 

But how could a man like Ten ever hope to be in the good graces of a deity as punishing as Fate? He had killed, even though all he strived to do was heal; his able hands were as capable of wielding metal to harm as they were to heal. The thread that had been intricately woven to facilitate the meeting of a broken man with a being as ethereal as Kun was not of gold, but it was of dark, fractured metal, dripping with blood. 

He did not deserve to bask in the affections of a man like Kun, who had been born to heal, to give, to love; when all that Ten’s demons strived to do was destroy, consume, and _possess_. 

Ten did not deserve a man like Kun, and he was sure he would spend the rest of his life making up for the fact that he was the one who had trapped Kun in misery. 

*

“I’d like to talk to the owner, please,” echoed a familiar voice.

Ten’s ears perked up, and he knew the smile on his face would be blinding. 

(Kun had once told him, when they were on better terms, that he acted like a cat. Sometimes, Ten felt the resemblance. It made him warm to know that Kun cared enough to take note of his mannerisms, but almost everything about Kun made him warm anyway.)

“Hey! I’m the owner too, you know,” Ten could hear Kun object, and his smile got wide enough that his cheeks hurt. 

The creature in his belly, the possessive, attention-thirsty one, roared at Kun’s acknowledgement of his co-ownership of the shop, something that had come along with the change in his marital status. Kun had always been adamant to ignore that on paper, he and Ten were married - had been married for two years and three months now, not that Ten was counting. 

“Oh, finally accepting that you’re married, huh? That’s great progress, Kunnie!” Ten could practically hear the smirk in Johnny’s voice.

He groaned and stood up from his comfortable seat in the storage room, making his way out to the shop to diffuse the argument that he _knew_ Kun would try to start with Johnny. 

“Shut up, you ass. We’re work colleagues, okay?” came the expected vehement response, and Ten’s smile dimmed a bit as he heard it. It was nothing new, but _damn_ , Kun didn’t need to remind him of the fact that he was hopelessly in love with someone who barely saw him as a fucking _work colleague_ everyday.

“What’s happening?” asked a new voice, at which Ten raised his eyebrows. Johnny had never brought someone who wasn’t in the army to the shop, and Ten assumed, rightly so, that new voice must belong to the man Johnny had told him about before he left with Yuta, the pretty doctor who had the tall soldier mooning for him. 

Ten smirked. This would be fun. 

“Hey Johnny,” he drawled, coming into the line of vision of the three people in the shop. Johnny, as usual, was in his army garb, his uniform pristine and his hair buzzed. The man next to him, however, was _pretty._ Faded pink hair flopped over his forehead, and he had big eyes, wide with curiosity as he looked around the shop. 

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Kun take in the stranger in the shop with sharp eyes, before he turned to Ten, flashing him a vaguely exasperated smile. 

Ten grinned. 

“Tennie!” Johnny smiled, widening his arms so he could engulf the smaller man in a hug. Ten welcomed it, clapping Johnny firmly on the back with a softly whispered, _“I missed you,”_ pressed into his shirt. It hadn’t been long since they’d seen each other, but this was certainly under better circumstances. 

(The reminder of Taeil’s funeral hurt Ten more than he was willing to admit, but the brief glimpse that he had caught of Johnny during that sordid affair had given him a small reprieve. At least Johnny was still alive and healthy, and there was one more person to keep Taeil’s memory alive.)

He tightened his arms around Johnny for a moment before he let go, stepping back from his warm embrace. 

“What brings you here, Johnny-boy? And who’s pinkie here?” Ten asked, smiling slyly at the soldier. 

“We just wanted to use the Wi-fi for a bit,” Johnny explained, rolling his eyes, “and this is Taeyong, one of the new doctors working at the MediCube. He’s just arrived.”

“Oh, welcome to the MediCube, Taeyong! I think we’ll be working together from now on,” Kun said, bowing in greeting.

Ten smiled, reciprocating Kun’s gesture. “We both will be working with you, Taeyong, so I hope our skills are to your liking!”

Taeyong’s eyes got wider as he bowed in return, but his voice was elegant as he said, “Thank you for welcoming me here! I hope we can work well together!”

“Uh, I’ll just go look for the Wi-fi modem,” Kun bowed again, excusing himself. 

Ten traced his movement with his eyes, watching as Kun walked over to the shelf that contained most of their electric devices without hesitating. When he had left, Kun hadn’t known where everything was kept in the shop, and would usually leave Ten to navigate through the chaos. 

( _“There’s a method to my madness!”_ Ten would always argue, and Kun would simply roll his eyes and smile at their customers apologetically as he manned the cash register.)

He felt a pang in his chest at the fact that Kun had been forced to interpret and understand his messy organisation skills out of necessity while he had been absent from the shop ( _their_ shop) for ten months, with barely any contact. 

Ten knew that he would’ve gone absolutely _mad_ if Kun had disappeared for a few days, let alone for ten months, and although Kun’s feelings for him decidedly did not run as deep as his did for Kun, he knew that the doctor must have been extremely worried. 

Both Ten and Kun were bad at expressing emotions, but Ten felt a little bad that he had spit such harsh words at Kun the day he had returned. Kun must’ve missed him, considering he was yet to give up on Ten’s inconsistency and evasiveness and walk out the door. 

God, Ten wished that they were both better at feelings. Maybe then, their only positive interactions wouldn’t be in the presence of other people.

He sighed as he watched Johnny and Taeyong talk quietly among themselves as they waited for Kun to return with the modem. 

Taeyong’s face was tinged a light pink, a shade similar to his hair (Ten was honestly jealous of it, but it wasn’t feasible to dye his hair the vibrant colours he wanted to, considering his job) and Johnny’s face was split with a smile so wide that it reached his ears. 

Ten was happy for them, honestly, but he felt a bit bitter that he and Kun had known each other for almost seven years, had been married for two of them, but were yet to cultivate a relationship as soft as the look on Johnny’s face when Taeyong whispered something to him.

“Here you go!” Kun smiled as he walked back to the group, their old trusty modem in hand. “You guys can connect it to the switchpoint near the door - Johnny, you know what to do,” he said, gesturing towards the array of connection points near the door to the storage room. 

“Yep, thank you, Kun! We’ll return it in about fifteen minutes?” Johnny turned questioningly to Taeyong, who nodded in agreement, flashing them a sweet smile. He grasped the end of Johnny’s sleeve as they walked towards the points, a movement which caught both Kun and Ten’s eyes. 

Kun turned to Ten, his eyebrows raised, and Ten had to muffle a snort because he knew exactly what Kun was thinking - _When the fuck did Johnny get smooth enough to get such a pretty boy to hold his hand?_

Ten wiggled his eyebrows in turn, and watched in barely concealed pleasure as Kun’s eyes scrunched up in laughter. _Well, he has his own room in the barracks, so…_

Kun’s hand came up to swat him on the head, and Ten couldn’t stop his shoulders from shaking with laughter anymore. 

The doctor rolled his eyes at him, his mouth curling in faux-displeasure - _Please, as if Johnny is brave enough to even kiss him, he’s always been a coward when it comes to love._

Ten really loved this man, God. 

_“Hey, that’s not true, remember that girl with the red hair?”_ Ten said aloud in Mandarin, his smile widening at the memory of Johnny asking out a girl whom they had met a year ago, only to be slapped on the face and sternly told that he was not to disrespect a married girl like that again. 

Kun giggled quietly, _“He only asked her out because you egged him on by saying you’d get her first, don’t pretend that he was brave enough to do that on his own.”_

Ten’s heart thudded faster at the sound of Kun’s laugh. God, he hadn’t heard that sound in more than _ten_ months. 

“Don’t be talking smack about me, you assholes! I always know when you do, even when y’all do that weird married people telepathic shit and switch to Mandarin,” Johnny complained from the other side of the shop, a petulant whine making its way to his voice. 

Ten caught Kun’s eye for a brief second, before they both began laughing out loud, further propelled by Johnny’s sounds of dissent, their eyes tearing up at the absurdity of the situation. 

Man, Ten had _really_ missed Johnny. 

-

Later that night, swathed in covers that smelled too much like Kun, Ten mulled over what Johnny had said - _“weird married people telepathic shit”_. 

It was true, Kun and Ten were usually able to understand what the other was thinking of with just a glance - it was a result of four years of assisting on the frontlines together; there was rarely any time for words, just hurried nods and brief glances to assure each other that _yes, they were okay, they were alive._

Ten hadn’t realised that those glances had somehow become a language of their own, one where Kun would raise his eyebrows and Ten would wiggle his, and somehow they would have had an entire conversation.

It made him smile into his pillow, the beast in his chest purring in content at the fact that even if he and Kun were on bad terms right now, even if Kun would never experience the all-consuming love that Ten did, they were still Kun and Ten. 

They would be okay.

*

Marriage had changed things, as it usually did, for Ten and Kun. 

Before they had signed their names on that flimsy piece of paper, the one that Ten had come to despise despite its significance, their relationship had been good, trusting, _easy._

They had at least been friends then. One might’ve even called them best friends - but how could a phrase as flimsy as ‘ _best friends_ ’ even _hope_ to encompass the entirety of the beautiful thing that had been their relationship, which had been forged in the relentless fire of war? They had had no one but each other to rely on for _years,_ something that cemented their connection beyond that of a rescuer and his rescued. 

But _everything_ came crashing down that day in the airport, the castles they had built painstakingly in the sky tumbling down brick by brick, falling miserably to the ground in broken little pieces.

Ten didn’t think he could ever forget the look on Kun’s face when the officer had told him “ _Sorry, you cannot be granted asylum here,_ ”; his eyes blank, the dark orbs devoid of even the smallest drop of pity or mercy.

The debilitating sadness in Kun’s glossy eyes was something that Ten felt in his chest a million times over, and he knew that he had to do something, _anything_ , to keep the smile on Kun’s face, _to keep Kun_. 

“ _Alright_ ," he remembered himself saying, “ _bring me a marriage certificate right now._ ” 

He had heard Kun gasp, but couldn’t bring himself to look at him. He didn’t want to see the disappointment in the doctor’s eyes, the silent accusation. 

Ten’s words - _“I promise you, Kun, I’ll get you across the border, okay? Whatever it takes.”_ uttered on the fateful day they had met; Kun crouched behind an almirah in fear as the rebels gunned down his village; played in his mind like a broken record, rewinding and pausing on Kun’s face as he said them, the man’s features bright with gratitude.

He would fail Kun if he couldn’t get him across the border - four years of relentless fighting, trudging through battlefields and sleeping on hay would be for _nothing_ if Kun couldn’t live a better life in a better place; and it didn’t matter to Ten how he did it, but he had to get Kun across the border. 

“ _Ten, you don’t have to do this,_ ” Kun had said quietly, resigned to his fate, but Ten couldn’t accept that, he couldn’t accept that the Gods would be so cruel to confine Kun to a country forever at war, when Kun was destined to heal, to love, to thrive.

_“Sign it, Kun.”_

_“Ten..”_

_“Just sign it!”_

The click of the pen as the deed was confirmed was a warning bell, a blaring siren declaring that Kun and Ten would never be the same, but Ten didn’t pay it any heed - not when Kun would finally be able to cross the border and live a life of peace, not when Kun could finally be free. 

_Whatever it takes_ , he had promised.

*

A gust of warm air rushed in as the door to the hardware shop opened. 

Ten looked up from where he had been computing the month’s profits, and smiled at the sight of a wind-ruffled Kun making his way inside. 

He nodded in welcome, but he knew Kun wouldn’t spare him a glance before walking to the storage room to catalogue more items.

He sighed as he looked at the book again, the numbers swimming before his eyes. 

Ten always wondered how it was possible for two people to live with each other but still be so distant, so closed off to each other. He and Kun barely spoke two words in their apartment, silently eating their meals and sleeping on different ends of the room. 

It had been decidedly worse since Ten had returned from his ten month absence - most days, Kun wouldn’t even be home for meals - he would spend some time at the shop, then go to the MediCube, where he would eat dinner at the army base. He was just home to sleep.

Ten knew it was his fault - Kun was angry that Ten thought it better to leave him alone for months than to take him with him on his trips; was angry that Ten got to see Taeil for one last time while Kun had been sheltered in their small town. 

The silent treatment was his punishment, but it was nothing compared to the hurt Kun was capable of inflicting on him. Every single morning, Ten woke up to carefully made sheets on the mattress across him and the smell of coffee permeating the air and sighed in relief - Kun hadn’t walked out yet, and that was enough for him. 

“I’m going to get some groceries,” he heard Kun mutter from behind him.

“Oh, uh-” Ten’s voice was rough from disuse, and he cleared his throat, watching as Kun made his way to the door. 

“Do you want anything?” Kun cut in, quickly donning his coat, glancing back at where Ten stood, his eye wide in shock at the acknowledgment of his presence. 

“No, um, maybe some biscuits?” he winced at how awkward he sounded. 

Kun nodded, and stalked off without another word. 

Ten gaped as he stared at Kun’s back, wondering what had prompted the doctor to speak to him. This had probably been the most they had spoken to each other when there was no Johnny or Taeyong to act as a buffer, and even though it was about something as mundane as _groceries_ , Ten’s heart soared. 

The door creaked open again, and Ten smiled at the customer who walked in. 

“How may I help you?”

*

Moving into their first apartment after getting married had been the single most painfully awkward thing in Ten’s life.

Both Kun and Ten weren’t used to the luxury of having a solid home, and their confusion on how to procure a house and furnish it would have been hilarious, if it wasn’t another reason why they fought endlessly. 

Their living condition didn’t last long, of course, because both doctors had an itch to scratch, a need to always be on the frontlines, an urge to help. 

Things were slightly different this time, because Ten refused to let Kun accompany him on any of his more dangerous travels. He couldn’t explain it himself - it’s not like Kun hadn’t been in worse situations, but something about the fact that they were now _married_ made Ten a lot more mindful of their flimsy mortality. 

The fight before Ten had left for his most recent trip with Yuta had been their worst one, and Ten’s heart still hurt at the poisonous words they had thrown at each other. 

They had just moved to a town near the border guarded by the military, who generously granted them permission to open a hardware shop for the citizens and help at the MediCube. It had been just five months of bliss - five months of Kun and Ten establishing a routine that reeked of domesticity and partnership, before Yuta called and everything went to shit again. 

Ten often wondered what it would have been like if he had said no to Yuta that day- would Taeil still be alive? Would Yuta not walk with a pronounced limp? Would Kun and Ten actually have a salvageable relationship? Would they act like the married people they were? 

_Would Kun be in love with him?_

He would wonder, but then the faces of the people they had saved would flash in his mind, their gratitude as he dragged them out of fires and debris branding itself on his heart.

No single life or relationship was more important than the safety of entire villages, and Ten wasn’t allowed to be so selfish, not when there were thousands of lives on the line. 

He wasn’t allowed to be selfish, but he always wondered.

*

Things had gotten slightly better since that day at the shop - Kun at least acknowledged Ten every time they were in the same room, and they began eating dinner together, usually on the tiny balcony attached to their studio apartment.

It was another one of those warm nights, during which Ten would thank Fate profusely for allowing him to stare unabashedly at the vision that was Kun, the bright moonlight casting beautiful shadows across his face. 

“Ten, do you regret this?”

Ten looked up from where he was eating his sandwich, mustard smeared on his lips. Kun wordlessly handed him a tissue, huffing at the expression on Ten’s face as he tried to wipe the stain off. 

“Regret what?” Ten questioned, noticing the nervousness on Kun’s face, who was fiddling with his fingers, refusing to meet his eyes. 

“Marrying me. Helping me across the border. I don’t know,” he sighed, finally looking at Ten. His eyes were downcast, his lip curled in bitter regret, and Ten’s heart fell to his toes. 

“Kun,” he breathed out, moving closer to the doctor, laying a hesitant hand over his leg. “Kun, if there’s one thing in my life that I don’t regret, it’s that I helped you cross the border.”

“Really?” Kun’s voice was vulnerable, reminiscent of how he would get when he was particularly homesick, back when Yuta, Taeil, Ten and Kun were a team, wandering from village to village trying to help. 

On those nights, when Kun’s feelings were a sacred secret shared between the two of them in the quiet darkness, they would talk hours into the night, about their childhood, their dreams, their shared love for music. Those nights, when the inky darkness made them brave enough to lower their guards, were the reason Kun and Ten had been closer to each other than they had ever been to Yuta and Taeil, the reason why Ten was irrevocably in love with him, the reason why he trusted Kun with his life and more. 

“Yeah,” Ten said, smiling gently at Kun, and when Kun smiled back at him shakily, Ten knew there was something more that was bothering him, something he didn’t want to share.

“Do you regret it?” he asked after a few moments of silence, unsurprisingly desperate to know Kun’s answer. The question was one that haunted him on most nights, and he was more than prepared to hear a resounding _yes_ leave Kun’s lips, with barbed accusations of Ten trapping him colouring Kun’s features in bitter anger. 

“No, I don’t,” Kun breathed, looking at Ten intently; and Ten felt that something meaningful should have passed between them in that moment, but his mind was too preoccupied with the fact that Kun _didn't_ regret marrying him. 

“I’m glad,” Ten smiled wider, squeezing Kun’s leg once before moving back to his original position, although it physically hurt him to withdraw from Kun’s warmth. 

Kun sighed and looked up to the vast sky blanketing them. Ten followed the movement, taking in the way the stars were bright and clear against the inky vastness; but they were nothing compared to the lights in Kun’s eyes, the ones that twinkled when he saw cats, when he succeeded in perfecting a recipe, when he spoke to the people he had saved. 

“I- I should go back and see if Taeyong needs any help with the sick kids,” Kun muttered, dusting off his clothes as he stood up. He turned on his heel and walked inside their apartment, and Ten was left watching the way the muscles on Kun’s back strained against the band t-shirt he was wearing that day through the glass. 

He ripped his eyes away from the sight, his face flushing red in embarrassment. He looked down at his sandwich, now soggy, and wondered what the hell Kun had been trying to hide from him.

*

Sometimes, Ten thought that Kun knew about his feelings for him, and feigned ignorance just to spare Ten’s fragile feelings. 

Maybe he thought that Ten’s feelings for him were just a result of their forced proximity over the years, a fleeting interest to pass the time as they spent their fickle lives in places miles away from home. 

But he didn’t know that Ten’s home was _Kun_. 

Kun didn’t know that he was the centre of Ten’s universe; and Ten was just a stray meteor caught in his orbit, gravity bringing him _close, close, closer_ , drawing him towards Kun. He had never stood a chance - there was not one universe, not _one_ possibility among the vast infinite where Ten wasn’t irrevocably in love with Kun. 

Maybe one day, Kun would find the centre of his universe, a blinding star that Kun could revolve around without a second thought, _because it’s_ _gravity_ ; and maybe that’d be the only way Ten would be permitted to glimpse what Kun was like when he was in love. 

Maybe it had never been written in the stars that Ten would ever be the centre of someone’s universe - he was forever destined to be one of the numerous meteors in Kun’s orbit, who would come crashing down, burning through the atmosphere and disintegrating into broken pieces when Kun changed courses; or worse, he’d be left wandering alone in the dark infinity, straying from place to place with no purpose because he had lost his gravity. 

*

On some days, the bitterly possessive beast in Ten’s belly got the better of him. 

“Fucking hell, Kun, why the hell do you still have that gun?” 

Kun looked up from where he was buttoning up his shirt, the gun resting innocently on the dressing table. 

“Oh, Jaehyun’s been teaching me how to use it!” Kun looked up, flashing a smile at Ten before continuing to dress. 

_Who the hell is Jaehyun?_ Ten thought, before remembering Johnny introducing him to a handsome, dimpled soldier who spoke English, saying that he was a good friend.

“He says I’ve been getting good at it, actually,” Kun said proudly, his eyes twinkling in delight. 

Ten swallowed down the jealousy threatening to take control of his mind with painful effort. He had no right to be jealous, not when he was the one leaving Kun behind every time, not when he continued to kill despite Kun pleading with him not to, not when he was _Ten_ and Kun deserved every star in the universe. 

“That’s great!” he tried to say, smiling emptily. “I’m glad someone taught you how to use a gun, I wouldn’t want you to accidentally hurt yourself with it.”

 _Goddamn it,_ Ten couldn’t make his feelings more obvious.

Kun beamed widely, and the sadistic demon’s hand clutching his heart squeezed it tighter. 

_Why didn’t Kun smile like that because of him?_

“I’m going with him to the range in the base headquarters to practice again,” Kun said excitedly, putting on his boots. 

“Have fun,” Ten could hear himself say, but his mind was in a haze, the jealousy and misplaced possessiveness in his chest making it hard for him to breathe. 

_I was there first_ , he wanted to say. _Why didn’t you ask me to teach you?_

“Bye Qin! If I’m not back for dinner, there’s some stir fry in the fridge for you!” 

Ten growled in frustration after the door thudded close, throwing the pillow he had been clutching to his chest against the wall. 

He had gotten too comfortable in their routine; had started taking Kun’s presence in their tiny apartment for granted. Was this how Kun felt when he left with Yuta every time? 

The slightest suggestion of Kun having a life beyond their shop and house made Ten hurt too much, and the deadline of the time he was allowed to spend with Kun seemed to be looming above him menacingly. 

Ten had spent the last seven years making Kun his temple, his mural, his sky; and he was well aware of the fact that Kun never seemed to reciprocate his love. He had accepted it, hell, he had even tried to prepare himself for the day Kun would show up with divorce papers and a new man on his arm, but _fuck_ , he couldn’t do it. 

Was he reading too much into it? Kun always seemed to be above the mortal concept of having a crush, and maybe Jaehyun was just a teacher, someone in the doctor’s path who would lead him to his next achievement. 

But what if he wasn’t? What if this was the end, the fated conclusion to years of suppressed feelings and stolen glances as Kun slept?

The pain he felt was all-consuming, hurt filling his body to the brim till it started spilling from his eyes, scorching paths on his cheek as his mind tortured him with more images of a smiling Kun in the arms of someone else, someone _better_ , someone who didn’t kill, someone who didn’t try to cage him in to keep him safe. 

Was this indescribable hurt the price that Ten had to pay for spending seven years in heaven, basking in the begged and borrowed time of someone as otherworldly as Kun, when he was nothing but a sad, broken man?

He heaved a shaky breath, clenching his eyes shut. 

_You’re so dramatic, Ten_ , Kun’s teasing voice echoed in his head. 

Ten scoffed. 

He was allowed to be as fucking dramatic as he wanted to be, thank you very much. 

He forced himself to get up and leave the house, _their_ house, and go to the hardware shop ( _their_ shop, his mind wailed); but it didn’t matter where he went - he was always surrounded by _Kun, Kun, Kun_. 

It was only ever Kun.

*

On the days that Ten came across the people he had met while working in villages as a rescuer again, he would always go home happy, humming a little song as he walked into the cozy space he and Kun shared. 

Tangled among the happiness and relief that another friend was still alive was always a tendril of guilt - because of him and the selfish, possessive beast in his belly, Kun never had the opportunity to expand his circle of known associates beyond Ten, Yuta and Taeil. He had never experienced the thrill of meeting someone dedicated to their cause in the midst of working on the frontlines, a welcome balm against the salty wounds of war, ignorance and the dumbassery of the government. 

All his life, Kun had been caged - first in his hometown, then bound by gratitude to Ten (and Yuta and Taeil) as they worked their way to the border, then to Ten again by a legal piece of paper that had caused their relationship more harm than good. 

Some nights, the guilt threatened to overcome Ten - he should’ve just let Kun go after marrying him, should’ve let him leave instead of pulling him to buy a house; and when that didn’t last; pulling him to various corners of the world and leaving him there as he went off with Yuta. 

Because of him, Kun was stuck in a limbo, stuck in a washed out town filled with drug addicts and murderers, wasting away stitching up bullet wounds and treating children for malnutrition. 

He was doing it for good reason - for Kun’s safety - but he always felt that Kun wasn’t truly happy here, not when Ten was too afraid to love him but too selfish to lose him. 

One day he would have to let him go. 

Ten didn’t think he would ever be ready. 

*

“Sicheng!” Ten yelled from where he and Kun were sitting at the army base, his smile wide with excitement at the sight of the tall soldier - they hadn’t seen each other in _ages_ , long before Ten and Kun moved to the town. 

Another reason he was excited was because Sicheng had never met Kun - they were somehow never at the same place, and Ten couldn’t wait to introduce the two. He was sure they’d get along very well. 

“Hi Ten!” Sicheng grinned, bowing slightly before turning to where Kun sat, the directory of medical supplies open in his lap where he was documenting a few new additions. 

“This is Kun,” Ten said, before turning to the man in question, saying “This is Sicheng - he and I met back when Johnny was deployed in Afghanistan and he hooked me up with his friend in the army because I needed a local contact.”

Kun’s eyes widened in recognition, and bowed at Sicheng from where he was sitting. 

Sicheng reciprocated the gesture, although he turned to Ten with a questioning look on his face. 

“I’ll leave you two to catch up then,” Kun said, rising from his seat and brushing off his clothes. “ _Qin, I’ll see you at home for dinner?_ ” he asked, switching to Mandarin, looking expectantly at Ten. 

Ten nodded, smiling softly at Kun as he waved goodbye and walked towards the MediCube. 

“ _Since when are you Qin?_ ” Sicheng questioned, breaking Ten’s gaze from where it was fixed at Kun, switching to Mandarin as well. 

“ _Oh_ ,” Ten blushed, looked down at his cut nails in embarrassment. “ _One of my names is Li Yongqin. I had told him back when we had met, and he sometimes calls me that instead of Ten._ ” 

Sicheng raised an unimpressed eyebrow. “ _Nicknames? I thought you two met when you decided to move here._ ”

Ten looked at the soldier in confusion. “ _Huh? Kun and I have known each other since seven years now, I think_.”

“ _Seven years, and you’ve never mentioned him once? Ten, you talk for hours about the stray cat you saw on the road, stop kidding me_ ,” Sicheng huffed. 

“ _Sicheng, what the hell are you saying? I always talk about Kun!_ ”

Sicheng furrowed his eyebrows in bewilderment, “ _Wait, is he the same doctor that you’re in love with?_ ”

Ten shushed him harshly, his cheeks tingeing redder than they already were. “ _Don’t say it so loud, you idiot._ ”

Sicheng eyed him with incredulity. “ _You still haven’t told him?_ ” he scoffed. “ _You’ve only been pining over him for your entire life, Ten!_ ”

“I _know_ ,” Ten groaned, “ _but he’s never looked at me that way. I treasure our relationship too much for me to fuck it all up by telling him that he’s the prettiest man I’ve ever seen and that I want him to fuck me, you know?_ ”

Sicheng winced at his words, although he was used to the way Ten rarely minced his words. Ten grinned at the discomfort on his friend’s face. It was too easy to rile him up. 

“ _Well, it’s only so long he’s going to stick around, you know? Just tell him!_ ”

Ten frowned at Sicheng. It’s not as if he was purposely keeping his mouth shut about his feelings for Kun - it just never seemed appropriate to tell him. Either they were in the middle of a battlefield, or they were fighting because Ten didn’t let Kun accompany him to the middle of a battlefield. Blurting out an “I love you” in either of those situations seemed absurd to Ten, not when it was of his own doing that those were the only two situations he and Kun were ever in. 

Sicheng sighed, understanding that Ten didn’t want to talk about it. 

“ _Well, do you want to show me your shop?_ ” he asked, looking at the doctor expectantly. 

Ten nodded, smiling gratefully at him for the change in conversation. 

He had missed Sicheng terribly, and he couldn’t wait to catch up with him and laugh at the stories of the men in his unit. 

In the midst of the terribly fickle lives they all lived, fraught with war and fighting and bloodshed, it was a welcome relief for Ten to know that Sicheng was still alive, still breathing. 

They’d all live another day. 

*

Despite knowing the doctor for seven years, Ten didn’t think he had ever seen Kun be truly happy - the kind of careless, freeing ‘happy’ that he had seen video montages of before.

Maybe it was because the guilt of being alive while his family lay shot dead on the floor ate away at him, or maybe it was because Ten had shackled him to another town similar to the fuckfest that was his hometown, the cobblestones set in spilt blood and marrow. 

Whatever the reason, Ten didn’t think he had ever seen Kun without a slight but pronounced wrinkle on his forehead when he smiled, or distant eyes even as he laughed. 

But something seemed to have changed now. 

Kun smiled now, even at _him_ , his eyes free of pain and his cheeks puffed with laughter. He would joke with Taeyong and the nurses at the MediCube, his bright personality shining timidly through the cracks as he conversed with people at the shop. 

Ten had never seen Kun so lively before, not even before they had gotten married, and it made something stir in his chest that Kun seemed happy here, seemed content here _with him_.

He didn’t know what had changed to make Kun so free. 

(Unbidden, the image of Kun’s excited smile as he left for the shooting range with Jaehyun flashed to the forefront of his mind, reminding him that _yes_ , he knew what had changed, but he was just too cowardly to admit it.)

Instead of feeling light that Kun finally seemed to have found his peace, Ten sometimes dreaded it when Kun came home, effervescently joyful and glowing, all because of someone else. 

But he tried his best not to focus on the jealous hurt - after all, if these were the last few weeks Kun would grant him the blessing of his attention, Ten did not want to taint the bittersweet memory further with his sour mood. 

He basked in Kun’s attention when he came home, and would always be pleasantly shocked when the doctor would somehow procure the ingredients to make his favourite food for him. 

Despite Jaehyun’s presence in Kun’s ( _their_ ) life, nothing seemed to have changed in the core of their relationship - their banter, the faux-annoyance at each other all seemed the same - except for the fact that it was better now. 

Ten felt like someone had notched up the saturation of his life - everything seeming brighter and technicolour now. 

It felt like three years ago all over again, when Ten and Kun were the dream team on the frontlines, their eyes holding conversations far more complex than they ever dared to speak out loud. 

Ten finally felt like he was at peace now, even though he knew that he was simply in the calm of the storm, revelling in the moments of peaceful happiness before everything went to shit again. 

He was well aware that good things never lasted for him. 

* 

“Are you really going to be so stubborn?” Kun complained, perched on the car, directing the lantern towards where Ten was attempting to fix the machinery.

(Taeyong had wrecked his precious red Rover on one of his and Johnny’s dates, and Ten was still slightly (very) bitter about it. It had taken him _ages_ to come up with the money to afford it - the car was practically his baby - but now it was in a sorry state, the pipes water logged, windows broken and doors dented. If Ten didn’t owe Johnny his life, he would have demanded full compensation - it didn’t matter how pretty Taeyong was, he had fucked up his _baby_.) 

“Why don’t you just do the interview? It’s good money - money that we need, considering the state of your car,” Ten made a sad noise at that, pouting at the engine that refused to cooperate with him. “I also convinced that reporter to donate his blood in exchange for an exclusive talk with you. Now what the hell do I tell him?” Kun groaned, bringing his hand to cover his face in frustration. 

“It’s not like you can make him _un_ -donate his blood, Kun. There’s nothing to tell him,” Ten smiled, tightening the new screws. “To the right, please.”

Kun huffed, pointing the lantern towards where Ten directed him to. 

“Please help me,” he said a moment later, a little quieter, his voice coated with the softness that Ten had always associated with Kun. 

Ten eyed Kun where he sat on the hood of the car, taking in the way the loose tank shirt and shorts complemented his figure. Kun’s eyes were fully focussed on him, and something about being on the receiving end of the doctor’s undivided attention made Ten want to shout from the rooftops that he was in love with him.

His dependence on Kun’s attention on him was alarmingly pathetic, he was well aware, and he was sure Johnny wouldn’t let him hear the end of it if he were aware of the depth of Ten’s feelings for the doctor. 

_It’s not as if Johnny’s any less pathetic when it comes to Taeyong_ , Ten scoffed in his mind, although he knew his friend would deny it vehemently. 

But the fact that Johnny; the same Johnny who would smile in exasperation and say _‘Orders are orders, Tennie, and we don’t have the authority to change them for a reason,’_ every time Ten pleaded with him to be _sensible_ for _once_ in his goddamn life and do the right thing, the same Johnny who coveted unfailing loyalty above all else; was willing to disobey direct orders just for Taeyong spoke volumes more than Johnny would ever have the courage to put into words.

He was jolted out of his thoughts when he felt a phantom touch against his thigh, and jerked up from where he was fixing (it was more of salvaging the good parts to sell them, at this point - Taeyong had really done a number on his poor car) to look at Kun, who sported a tiny, almost indistinguishable smile on his face.

Ten could feel the blood rushing to his cheeks, and fervently prayed that his cheeks weren’t the bold red they usually were when he was embarrassed, the colour like a blaring siren announcing his miserably all-consuming feeling for the man in front of him. 

His traitorous heart was racing double time, the ghost of Kun’s light touch still lingering on his leg, and Ten knew that he would be haunted by Kun's heavy gaze on him all night. 

He cleared his throat, feigning nonchalance.  
“Are you hungry? I know I am. Let’s get the fixing done quickly so we can eat. To the left.”

Kun waved the lantern at Ten’s face, blinding him, and Ten winced. 

“Come on, you should live up to your looks and just do the interview, you stubborn idiot. What else are you going to use them for, huh?”

Ten brought his gloved hand to the lantern, smiling softly at the man in front of him. The starving creature in his chest roared at Kun’s acknowledgment of his looks, even though Ten was well aware it meant nothing more than that - a mere observation, a passing remark. But Ten was nothing if not a masochist, so he shoved the tingling warmth he felt into a tight box, one that was only opened in the depths of the night when he could pretend that in a different universe, the sparing affection Kun showed him was borne of love, not of grudging friendship. 

“I will use them for you. I’ll use them to make you my _actual_ husband,” he joked, leaning closer to the wilful ( _adorable_ , his heart whispered) man sitting on the car. 

It hurt, to flirt with Kun like this, to pretend that all he was doing was mindlessly flirting, when his heart had belonged to him since what seemed like the creation of mankind. It was the simplest truth in Ten’s life, the basis of everything - Ten belonged to Kun, for better or for worse. 

“I dare you to keep calling me your _husband_ ,” was the doctor’s snarky response, the stars in his eyes slightly visible through their usual veil of feigned indifference and. Ten’s heart soared at it - _he_ was the reason for their brightness, _he_ was the reason Kun was more animated than he had ever been since Ten had left to help Yuta; and his chest felt incomprehensibly lighter at the reassurance that maybe one day, Kun would trust him enough to show him his softness again.

_(If he still stuck around, that is.)_

“You just allowed me to call you that, didn’t you?” Ten grinned, turning towards the engine again. “Lantern to the left, please.” 

Kun set the lantern down on the hood of the car with a sigh, nimbly jumping from his perch. 

“Do it later. You said you were hungry, right? I’ll go get you something to eat.”

A shy smile unwittingly made its way to Ten’s face as he watched Kun walk away purposefully, headed towards the kitchen at the army base. Kun’s quiet concern affected him far more than the doctor would ever be aware, but Ten was content with their life now. Being granted the opportunity to protect Kun, for all it was worth, from the darker, more sinister side of war was enough for him, even if Kun chose to be whisked away to a better life by one of the numerous soldiers at the base vying for his attention. 

Ten sighed as he turned his attention to the car in front of him, water still logged in some of the pipes of the engine. _I should give up trying to fix it_ , he mused, but he had given up enough things at this point - a normal life, dance, _Kun_. If there was one thing in his life that he could actually fix, it would be his car, his poor little baby who Taeyong had _destroyed_ , for which Johnny had pleaded with him not to ask any money from the pink-haired doctor. 

He smiled widely as he began tightening the screws with renewed vigour. 

Johnny owed him one. 

*

It had been suspiciously long since Ten’s life had progressed without mishap. 

He was glad for it, obviously, but it made him wonder what kind of fucked up situation life had in store for him to grant him so much happiness for such an extended period of time. 

It had been months since he’d returned, and everything seemed to be working out for him. The shop was running more smoothly than ever, work at the MediCube was less traumatic than it usually was, and Kun..

His relationship with Kun had never been better in the seven years they had known each other. 

Ten was proud of himself for going so long without fucking it up with Kun, even if he had accepted that he never would have the courage ( _the_ _audacity_ ) to tell Kun of his feelings. It would just be another one of the things left unsaid between them, right up on the list next to whatever it was Kun had been hiding from him since he had returned.

Ten was at his wit’s end trying to understand what Kun meant by his contradicting signals - at one moment, he was brushing against Ten, leaving tingles across his skin, reciprocating Ten’s usual flirting, but the next, he was distant, his eyes blank and his smile shaky as he spoke to Ten, faking nonchalance. 

Kun was warm and cuddly when they were in their apartment, sharing a plate of Ten’s favourite Italian dish cooked by Kun, peering over cat videos on the computer, but he was cold and harsh whenever Ten came to the MediCube to work (he usually just came to watch Kun work - he was a sight to behold when he was in his element, but Kun didn’t need to know that).

Ten was just incredibly confused. 

*

“Hey, is Taeyong here?” Ten asked as he entered the MediCube, the cool air a welcome relief against the stifling heat outside. 

One of the nurses, _Jungwoo_ , Ten thought, looked up from the records he was browsing and smiled in welcome at him. 

“No, he’s out running an errand with Johnny right now. He should be back soon, though. You can wait here!”

Ten wanted to snort. _Running an errand_ , it seemed. Is that what they called going out on dates these days? 

He nodded in gratitude towards the nurse, taking a seat in front of him. 

“So,” Jungwoo asked, smiling shyly at him through his long lashes, “are you and Kun _married_ , or just married?”

“Umm, we’re work colleagues? Friends?” Ten said nervously, drumming his fingers against the armrest of the chair. He was pretty sure Jungwoo was trying to flirt with him, although he didn’t understand why. He didn’t think anyone wanted to be in a relationship with someone who was always on the frontlines of war, but maybe it wasn’t that deep. 

Maybe Jungwoo just wanted a quick fuck. 

“Oh!” Jungwoo’s eyes were positively sparkling now, and Ten knew he needed to shut this down immediately. He appreciated the ego boost, but he didn’t want anyone who wasn’t a kind-hearted doctor with stars in his eyes, who somehow wound up being the only person who didn’t even want to sleep with him. 

Ten’s life was a pathetic joke, honestly. 

“Yeah,” he laughed, “I’m not good enough for Kun,” he said, hoping that the smile on his face remained despite the stabbing pain in his chest at the truth of the words. 

“Oh, Ten!” Jungwoo exclaimed, his hand shooting up to hit Ten’s shoulder lightly, and _oh dude, he’s flirting,_ “You're more than good enough for everyone! Kun must be an idiot, what kind of madman thinks you’re not good enough?”

“Kun’s not an idiot,” Ten tightly replied, standing up from the chair. He knew all too well that he had no place defending Kun like this, not when Jungwoo meant the remark in light-hearted banter, but the creature in his stomach never took any harsh words directed at Kun well. 

“Excuse me, I think I should go back to the store. Please ask Taeyong to call me when he returns,” Ten smiled perfunctorily as he strode out of the MediCube, leaving behind a slightly disoriented Jungwoo. 

When he walked back into his hardware store, it was to the sight of Kun seated behind the counter, sighing as he stared at the computer screen in wonder. He smiled at Ten as he noticed him, calling out a _“Hey Qin, look at this video I found about cats!”_ and Ten’s chest relaxed, the wounded tightness melting away to soft adoration. 

-

“How come you were back so early today?” Kun asked later over dinner, swirling the noodles on his plate with his fork.

Ten watched, endeared, as Kun brought the big bite closer to his mouth, slurping up the noodles messily. _Cute._

“Oh, uhm-” he blinked when Kun nudged him with foot when he remained silent for a few moments. _What had he asked him?_

“Ah, Taeyong wasn’t at the MediCube - he was out on a date with Johnny, that smooth fucker - and I thought I’d wait for him, but Jungwoo kept trying to flirt with me so I left,” Ten shrugged, eating the noodles that Kun had made that day.

“Oh shit, this is really good, Kun,” he widened his eyes at the taste, his voice muffled with the food in his mouth. 

“Thanks,” Kun said distractedly, his smile looking slightly forced now. 

Ten was confused. Had he said something wrong? 

He nodded in gratitude at Kun again, and continued to eat. 

God, if Kun was planning on getting together with Jaehyun, Ten hoped he’d do it quickly, before Ten got too attached to their new dynamic and the unique taste of Kun’s care - his homemade food, the soothing pats on his back and his warm smiles. 

Ten really didn’t think he’d survive if Kun left him stranded with the addictive memory of what it felt like to _be_ with Kun.

*

Kun stared at him a lot. 

Ten was _not_ used to the doctor’s constant attention on him, and his heart kept thudding whenever he felt Kun’s heavy gaze on him. He felt like a fish out of water whenever he felt those telltale prickles down his spine, Kun’s eyes branding his skin red with embarrassment. 

He didn’t even know how to bring it up with him - _“Hey, have you been staring at me a lot and making me kinda horny, or is it just me?”_

What made it worse was that Kun didn’t even _try_ to hide it. Every time Ten turned around to catch Kun’s eye when he knew the doctor had been staring, Kun wouldn’t break his gaze, looking at Ten intently till Ten broke the contact hurriedly, seconds before he did something dumb like _“Hey, I’ve been in love with you for seven years, please kiss me.”_

It was stressing him out, honestly. 

Kun had never been good for his heart but _now_ , when he stared unabashedly at Ten, raking his heave gaze down Ten’s body?

Ten would be surprised if his heart didn’t give out before he was forty. 

*

“Ten, do you know?” 

“Know what, Kun?”

Kun’s eyes were hesitant, and he seemed jittery, nervous, fiddling with his fingers and incessantly tapping his feet. 

“I love you.”

Ten dropped the pen he was holding in his hand, his jaw unhinged as he stared at Kun. 

“ _What the fuck_ ,” he breathed, his eyes blown wide with shock and disbelief. 

Kun sighed. 

“I just wanted you to know,” he muttered shakily, turning his attention back to where he and Ten had been looking over the shop’s books. 

Ten could do nothing but stare at Kun. 

_What the fuck had just happened?_

-

“Kun, did you mean that?” Ten asked that night, his voice quiet as they stood in the kitchen, washing the dishes. 

“Mean what?” Kun said, but Ten knew that he knew. How couldn’t he?

“You know what I mean,” he breathed, putting down the cloth in his hand and turning to Kun. 

Kun heaved a sigh, putting down the soap and looking at Ten. His eyes were distraught, his cheeks coloured a ruddy red. 

“How couldn’t I?” he voiced desperately, bringing up a hand to rake through his hair. “How could I not love you, Ten?”

Ten’s eyes pricked with hot tears - who the hell did Kun think he was, being so perfect and otherworldly and saying he loved Ten? What in the everloving fuck had Ten ever done to deserve this man’s attention on him?

“Are you crying?” Kun panicked, bringing a gentle palm to Ten’s cheek and brushing the tears from his cheeks with a barely-there touch of his thumb. 

Ten let out a sob, throwing himself onto Kun’s chest, clutching tightly at the doctor. 

Kun had always been bigger, sturdier than Ten was, the soft edges of his defined muscles emanating warmth from every cell. Ten had dreamed of being caged in his embrace for long, _so long_ , surrounded by Kun’s heady scent and his welcoming arms. 

He could feel Kun’s hesitance as he slowly brought his arms around Ten, softly patting him on his back. Ten borrowed further into Kun, his tears forming wet splotches on Kun’s shirt. His tears wouldn’t stop flowing, even though he wanted to stop sobbing pathetically and tell Kun that he was desperately in love with him, despite not being sure if Kun meant the words romantically or just in a _“We’re good friends and you saved my life”_ way.

“Hey, hey,” Kun hushed softly, the arm around Ten’s back coming to pet his hair gently, “I got you, okay? Don’t cry, Qin.”

Ten heaved a shaky breath, but the tears refused to stop. 

“Kun, I love you so much,” Ten said a few moments later, his voice muffled in the warmth of Kun’s chest. “Loving you is all I’ve known.”

Ten could feel Kun’s heart beat erratically at the confession, his breath caught in his throat as the hand petting his hair suddenly stopped. 

“What,” Kun breathed roughly, his voice coated in disbelief.

Ten looked up from where he had burrowed his head, his eyes rimmed red and glossy, but full of want and love. 

He smiled shakily. 

“ _I’ve been in love with you for seven years, Kunnie,_ ” he spoke in Mandarin, his heart in his throat but lighter than it had ever been. He didn’t know if that was what Kun had meant, but it was now or never. Fuck his overthinking brain. 

Kun’s eyes were still filled with shock, but he smiled as he brought his hand to cup Ten’s cheek tenderly. 

“ _Ten,_ ” he breathed, “ _how were we so stupid?_ ”

Ten made a confused little sound, cocking his head to the side. 

Kun’s gentle fingertip traced the outline of his jaw and he shuddered. 

“ _You’re everything to me, you know?_ ” Kun continued, the stars in his eyes the brightest they had ever been, illuminating the entire apartment in their twinkling glow. 

The gravity of his words hit Ten, and he looked down shyly, his heart consumed with love for the insanely unreal man in front of him who had the audacity to look at Ten’s brokenness and tell him he loved him for it. 

_He was Kun’s everything._

It was a nice thing to be. 

-

“I thought you were going to leave me for Jaehyun,” Ten confessed later in the night when they had both retired for bed, curled up in Ten’s bed together instead of sleeping in their own beds. 

Ten had never entertained the fact that Kun could ever love him back, eternally resigned to resting in different beds and longing from a distance. But now that Fate had been kind to him, _so kind_ , he couldn’t bring himself to let go of Kun - his hands constantly longed to touch, to feel, to love; to trace the scars on Kun’s body and heal them. 

“Jaehyun?” came Kun’s confused voice.

“Yeah, “ Ten huffed, “You were always so happy when you spoke about him.”

Ten could feel Kun’s chest rumble as he laughed quietly. 

“Qin, the only reason I was happy was because he was teaching me how to use a gun, which I thought would impress _you_!”

Ten shot up from the bed at that. “Impress me? You wanted to impress me?” he breathed in incredulity. 

Kun was going to be the fucking death of him one day, God. 

_Wait._

“Oh my god, you wanted to impress me,” Ten cooed in delight, reaching to pull Kun’s red cheeks. 

“Stop it, Qin, stop-” Kun protested as he tried to fight Ten’s relentless hands, his body flushed. “I hate you,” he complained petulantly, hiding his hot face behind his hands. 

“No, you don’t!” Ten crowed in triumph, “I’m your _everything_.”

“Fuck you, Ten. I’m leaving,” Kun declared hotly, making to push Ten’s weight off him. Ten pushed his shoulders down, adjusting himself so he was straddling Kun’s lap, his embarrassed but cutely angry face below him. 

“I’d like you to,” Ten breathed teasingly. “Fuck me, that is - not leave.”

Kun’s face flushed harder. “Why the fuck are you so vulgar, you asshole?” he said exasperatedly, his hands coming to cup Ten’s face despite the tone of his words. 

Ten leaned down, brushing a kiss on the side of his mouth before something else struck him, making him freeze. 

“Wait, were you so weird whenever I was at the MediCube because you were jealous of Jungwoo flirting with me?”

Kun’s deer-in-the-headlights expression was more than enough to answer his question, and _oh my god_ , Ten loved this man _so much_. 

“You big baby,” Ten laughed, “you’re adorable!”

Kun whined sadly. 

-

“Why didn’t you tell me before?” Kun asked quietly.

Ten sighed. “I’m not good enough for someone like you, Kunnie. I didn’t think I deserved to tell you. And you hated me after I made you marry me.”

“Ow,” he yelped when Kun hit him on the head, his expression annoyed. 

“Don’t say such bullshit about yourself,” he said seriously, but his eyes were downcast. “You’re more than good enough for an idiot like me.” 

A pause. 

“I never hated you, you know?” he said quietly, a bit sadly. “I hated myself more than anything. Here you had spent four years dragging my sorry ass along with you, and now I needed you to save me again by marrying me? I was pathetic.”

Ten frowned at Kun - he had never known that Kun had felt that way about himself. He had always assumed that it was because of his overbearing nature and the fact that he made Kun marry him in _Immigrations_ , of all places, that made Kun so distant.

“Kunnie, I married you because I wanted to help you cross the border - I had promised you, remember?”

“Yeah,” Kun sighed, “but I didn’t want to be a burden for you, not more than I had already been for so many years.”

Ten curled closer to Kun, resting his head against Kun’s chest, his sturdy and steady heartbeat soothing him. 

“You were the only thing that kept me going sometimes, you know?” Ten confessed quietly, tracing a mindless pattern under Kun’s shirt, revelling in the way Kun’s stomach tensed as he touched it lightly. 

Kun’s hand came to envelop his own, and he brought it closer to his mouth, pressing a soft, tender kiss against it. 

“Qin,” he breathed a few minutes later, tangling his fingers with Ten’s own, rubbing his thumb against them gently. “Why don’t you let me come with you and Yuta?” 

Ten gulped. He didn’t want to tell Kun the truth, but he had never learnt how to lie to him. 

“Please tell me the truth - even if it’s because I’m an unnecessary burden,” he pleaded softly. 

Ten hated himself. 

“Kun, no,” he sighed, turning his head up so Kun could see the blatant truth in his eyes - that Ten was a selfish coward who was too possessive, too controlling.

“I was too scared to let you come with us because it was so dangerous,” he admitted. “After we got married, it somehow made me a hundred times more aware of how threatening the work we do is. I just wanted to keep you safe, even if it meant you hating me.”

He was scared to look at Kun now - did he hate him for trying to cage him the way his hometown had tried to? Was this it? Would he lose Kun as soon as he had got him because of his greed, his possessive urge to keep Kun to himself? 

He felt Kun untangle their fingers and his heart dropped. He braced himself for Kun’s accusatory words, his cutting argument on how Ten didn’t have the right to make those type of decisions for him, would never have that right. 

“Qin, look at me,” Kun said, his voice still tender. He gently brought a hand to Ten’s chin, slightly tilting it up so Ten would feel the full force of his gaze. 

“I understand why you did it, I just wished you had told me.”

  
Ten stared at him in shock.

  
“Hey, don’t look at me like that! I would’ve probably done the same thing if I were in your position,” he admitted, shrugging. “I just- all these months, I thought you left alone every time because you were tired of me and didn’t want me dragging you down.”

“I’m so sorry, “ Ten breathed, “I never wanted you to feel that way.”

Kun smiled softly, “That’s alright, Qin. It’s all good now.” 

He re-tangled their hands and began tracing patterns on them again, and Ten relaxed against Kun again, breathing in relief, disbelief and whatever the fuck else one felt when they had just found out that the love of their life was _theirs_ now. 

“Can I come with you if you go again?” Kun asked quietly. 

Ten brought up their hands and pressed his lips to them in reverence, smiling against the soft skin of Kun’s hand. 

“I don’t think I can go anywhere without you now, Kun,” he laughed. 

Kun beamed at him - a beacon of light in the darkness of their room. 

Ten thought he was finally at peace now. 

*

Fate had been kinder to Ten than he had ever thought she would be. 

The epiphany he dreamed of every time he closed his eyes - Kun, always Kun - was now real, _tangible_ ; a pair of strong arms pulling him back to a warm body when he woke too early in the morning; an amused smile pressed into his neck whenever he saw Jaehyun running shirtless (Ten was woeful to admit that Jaehyun was one fucking hot man); gentle fingers tangling through his hair when he was face down on their couch, exhausting weighing down his body. 

Ten didn’t think he was deserving of such unadulterated happiness; the sweet, sweet joy that tickled his toes when he woke Kun in the morning with gentle kisses pressed all over his skin.

He and Kun existed in a universe of their own - one where the two brightest stars revolved around each other - because that was the golden thread that had been spun by the fates, twinkling and glinting in the dark infinity of space.

Maybe one day, he would fully appreciate the gravity of the fact that _he_ was the centre of Kun’s universe, the heavenly being that Kun revolved around. 

Ten was Kun’s blinding star in the sky. 

Ten was Kun’s epiphany. 

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> if you made it till the end, wow. thank you so much for reading this word vomit <3  
> kudos and comments are greatly appreciated ^^
> 
> (now go listen to kick back grr)


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